Pretty sure I had to tell her more than once WTF I was getting at, as I like to have uncomfortable love-confessing conversations in thinly veiled metaphor. She had a new girlfriend lined up before the U-Haul pulled away. While I was a complete wallflower nobody while in high school, being one of two out gay students is like having a huge, neon rainbow flag hovering above your head wherever you go, and it wasn't long before I'd hear random guys loudly announcing, "There's that dyke bitch! But, it was a small town, and people talk. But what was the whisper in the back of my mind, churning itself into a full-fledged scream? Then there was the other elephant in the room, a year age difference. And, apparently, the lesbians. I went home that night halfway elated I'd finally had the balls to say something, and halfway scared shitless that I'd just ruined a great friendship with someone whose role in my life I valued a great deal and didn't want to lose. That is until 4 years after I'd graduated from high school. In a relationship both parties should be equal, so starting from a point where one person is "in charge" can either negatively impact either the teaching environment if the student can't accept the authority of the teacher where the teacher is supposed to be in charge or the relationship environment if the student gives the teacher authority in the partnership. As an added bonus to not being called a "dirty cunt-licker" on the daily, the alternative school would allow me to earn a "real" diploma instead of a GED, something I didn't give two shits about, but my parents did. But in reality, I had no plan.
Predictably, my role as post-relationship rebound expired a few short months later, and she moved miles away. But through it all, I kept in touch with Elise through emails and the occasional visit when I was back in town. Yes, just as you might think, this was the kind of alternative school where the kids who'd already been to juvie 8 times went, along with the pregnant girls and the year-olds who just couldn't seem to graduate. And, apparently, the lesbians. While the elation of simply realizing that there were older, fully functioning gay women in the universe who hadn't been completely demolished by their teenage years was highly encouraging in and of itself, the novelty eventually gave way to a full-blown and gut-wrenching crush. Maybe it was because I felt she was my first true love that it was so impossible to ever fully let go. I'd stopped by the school on a whim, unannounced, and slipped into her office. Elise was shocked, had no idea I'd been pining away all these years, said she was flattered, but generally the vibe was definitely deer-in-headlights, with me driving the car and bracing for impact. That was until someone smashed in all my car windows I had a tiny rainbow pride sticker on the back windshield and left a threatening note. So, I met with a high school counselor who, while completely disregarding the harassment I'd received, did bring up a promising option to complete my education and not have to return to the nightmare high school: How many people get to live inside their fantasy? This was before bullying was a buzzwordy "thing," and I just figured the taunts were from colossal but harmless assholes who had nothing better to do with their small-dick issues than harass the straight-looking girl who threatened their egos with her sexual preference. You've just come from being taken care of as a child by your parents and you shouldn't expect or want your life with your partner to be the same - being taken care of as a child. It may also be difficult for you to determine whether he's making a decision because it's an intelligent one or making a decision because it's what he prefers even though you should both have an equal say. Once again this comes back to the problem of one person being "in charge of the relationship" which isn't healthy. I couldn't tell you where we went for our first "date," probably because I was in complete nervousness blackout mode, or perhaps because the next few months were a blur of restaurants and concerts and entire days spent having wild, mind-blowing sex, sex, sex, and, oh yeah, more hot sex. I figured I'd just get a GED, or get a job, or something. I'd be lying if I said this relationship hasn't been indelibly written on the slate of who I am and colored my view of every other relationship I've had since. From what you've written it does come across like you have a problem by letting him be in control and putting his needs before your own though particularly in cases where he makes you uncomfortable and antagonises your family and a friends. She and her partner were going through a nasty breakup after her partner's revelation that she'd been having an affair with a man. Eventually I moved back to the area where I lived during high school. No, not at all. That is until 4 years after I'd graduated from high school. But life has a way of not being the fantasyland in your head, and, with the exception of "running into" her and by running into, I fully mean "going to places I knew she'd be" a few times outside of school, nothing ever became of those fantasies. While I was a complete wallflower nobody while in high school, being one of two out gay students is like having a huge, neon rainbow flag hovering above your head wherever you go, and it wasn't long before I'd hear random guys loudly announcing, "There's that dyke bitch! She had a new girlfriend lined up before the U-Haul pulled away. He's going to be far more experienced in matters of day to day life and in many cases, it makes sense that he would be able to make the wiser decision.
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